Everyday challenges

Conflict is a natural part of life and something we must learn how to manage, especially in our everyday challenges. It is less about the differences between us and others, and more about not knowing how to respect the differences in the beliefs, values, and perspectives of those around us. This page offers 3 simple steps to help you handle common challenges you may encounter when living with roommates.

Step 1: Gain Perspective

When we're in conflict with someone, it’s tough to see beyond our own perspective. We tend to notice our roommate’s mistakes way more than our own because we’re so focused on our needs and wants. Instead of thinking about our roommate as someone with aspirations and challenges of their own, we can feel tempted to only see them as an obstacle to our personal peace. To gain a better perspective, we need to remember that their needs matter just as much as ours.

Shifting our mindset isn’t always easy because we have to be honest about how we are adding to the problem.

Things to consider in gaining perspective

• What life experiences have they had that might be leading to their behavior? 
• Put yourself in the shoes of one of their family members– mom, dad, sibling, grandparent– how would you think or feel about them then? 
• Ask yourself: How might what I’m doing be shaping how they’re responding?
• What other hardships are they going through right now?
• Make a list of what you think is important to them, and why. 

By seeing your roommate as the Savior would, you’ll be more ready to have a conversation with love and understanding instead of contention. This is the first step to communicating effectively.

Step 2: Communicate

If you're feeling nervous talking about issues with your roommate, you're definitely not alone! Difficult conversations can be really intimidating because you never know how they’ll go. But when done right, talking things through is one of the best ways to solve problems.

Unproductive conversations often happen when we assume things about the other person. On the other hand, productive conversations come from really listening and learning. Try asking your roommate questions to understand their perspective and needs. This helps you see what's driving their behavior. Showing genuine concern for what’s bothering your roommate can encourage them to do the same for you. In this kind of environment, communication and creative problem-solving will improve significantly.

Things to consider in Communication:

• Are you complaining to other friends and family about your roommate, or are you speaking directly with your roommate? 
• Are you spending most of the time talking about your “side” or asking your roommate questions to learn more about theirs? 
• While your roommate is talking, are you thinking about what you're going to say next? 
• When you hear accusations or untrue statements, do you interrupt and defend yourself? 
• Do most of your sentences start with “you__”, or, “I feel__”? In other words, do you find yourself pointing the finger or taking ownership for your own feelings? 

Think of communication as a way to understand your roommate and express your needs, not just debate with them. Even if you don't end up agreeing over an issue, communicating will help you move forward with respect for each other's point of view.

Step 3: Show Forth an Increase of Love

Having differences of opinion is normal and okay. However, the Savior expects us to “be one.” An increase of love means adopting Christlike attributes of forgiveness, putting forth consistent effort, and supporting each other as you both work to improve. Understanding that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ helps us have an increase of love for one another after disagreements and moving forward.

Things to consider when moving forward:

• Serve and pray for your roommate. 
• Don’t speak negatively about your roommate to others.
• Talk about your own shortcomings. 
• Not trying to forgive your roommate hurts you.
• Remember, changing habits is hard and takes time, so have patience with your roommate and yourself during this process! 

When you rely on the spirit to guide you through difficult situations, you’ll have an increased ability to “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you… and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” You will witness the Savior's grace for both you and your roommate as you strive to apply the Atonement of Christ in your home.